i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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