Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
