Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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