nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
