Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
