my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
