I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
