it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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