I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
