its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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