The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
