I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
