I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
