She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
