I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
