I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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