please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
