I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
