im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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