K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
