when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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