God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
