Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
