New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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