How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
