I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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