We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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