Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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