but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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