I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
