Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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