420 ftw
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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