god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
