Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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