im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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