I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You can't special order awesome
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
