I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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