As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
