I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
