im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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