So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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