Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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