remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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