Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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