i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
