I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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