Don't make out with my wife yet
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
