Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
