Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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