Got a toothbrush?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
