I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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