Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
